yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
