I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Randomize