my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
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