I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
