tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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