apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
he puts the penis in happiness.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
