how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
