I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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