You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
