God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
