Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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