He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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