There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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