spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
