I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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