My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Randomize
