my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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