Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
