Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
