Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
