I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
