I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
