The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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