I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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