Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
