i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
