I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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