Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
