i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
