I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
