My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
