Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
