My first STD was from a foam party
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Randomize
