i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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