i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
