Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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