Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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