I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
