I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
