I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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