It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
