i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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