You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
