I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize