hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
