This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
