The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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