One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
