i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
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