Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
