Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
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