fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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