Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
