I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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