ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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