Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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