I accidentally had phone sex last night
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
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