I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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